with insight from seasoned professionals, all part of Vermont Birth Network

No one really prepares you for how much a baby can change your relationship.

Everything shifts at once. Sleep. Routines. Bodies. Roles. Time. The mental load of caring for another human. In the haze of sleep deprivation and constant adjustment, many parents quietly wonder: Is it supposed to feel this hard?

If your relationship feels different after having a baby, you’re not failing. You’re responding to one of the most demanding life transitions there is. And there is hope.

Two things can be true at once: You can deeply love your partner and feel disconnected from them right now.

Connection doesn’t disappear overnight, but it often needs to be rebuilt differently in this season.

*When two becomes three the relationship dynamic shifts.*

Why relationships often feel harder after a baby

Pregnancy and early parenthood are among the most intense transitions adults experience. You’re learning how to care for a baby while also learning how to care for yourselves (and each other) in completely new ways.

According to Kimberleigh Weiss-Lewit, a psychotherapist specializing in perinatal mental health, one of the biggest challenges couples face during this season is “maintaining communication through the newness and exhaustion of new parenthood.”

When sleep is limited and emotions are running high, even small misunderstandings can feel bigger.

Many parents describe feeling:

More irritable or reactive than usual
Emotionally disconnected from their partner
Stuck in cycles of miscommunication
Like they’re “ships passing in the night”

Add sleep deprivation, shifting identities, and fewer chances to rest or recharge, and it makes sense that relationships feel stretched.

Roles may change, too. One parent may be home while another returns to work. One may be healing physically from birth or navigating breastfeeding while both adjust to new demands and expectations. These changes can quietly strain even strong partnerships.

Unfortunately, this is also where many parents struggle in silence, adding layers of shame to an already vulnerable time. Relationship stress after a baby is incredibly common, but rarely talked about openly.

Planning ahead—without trying to control everything

It can be helpful to talk about your relationship before or between pregnancies. You can’t predict every challenge, but you can work to build shared awareness.

Kimberleigh emphasizes the importance of realistic expectations and accurate information about newborn care and postpartum healing. “This can allow both partners to approach this tender and transformational time with grace and understanding,” she shares.

She encourages couples to talk about:

Their hopes and worries about becoming (or being) parents
How each partner tends to cope with stress and exhaustion
What kinds of support they may need from each other

She also highlights the value of proactively setting up support—from friends, family, or professionals. Reducing isolation can meaningfully reduce strain on a relationship.

*Navigating the postpartum time with other children is different each time as everyone needs continue to evolve.*

When this isn’t your first baby

Welcoming a second, third, or fourth (or more!) child brings its own relationship shifts. Even when parents have been through the postpartum period before, the logistics can feel heavier and attention more divided. Each child brings their own needs and a new family dynamic.

This can be a meaningful time to revisit expectations:

What worked last time—and what didn’t?
Where did we feel supported?
What do we want to do differently now with other children in the mix?

As families grow, relationships evolve. Making space to re-negotiate roles and needs is part of that growth.

*Connecting over small moments and remembering you are on the same team can help couples stay connected.*

Small ways to stay connected during a demanding season

Connection doesn’t have to look like long conversations or elaborate date nights, especially in the early postpartum period.

“I find simple, loving physical touch to be very powerful and important in the early postpartum period,” says Kimberleigh. “A hug can quickly re-connect partners and help relax each other, especially through the overwhelm that is, at times, unavoidable.”

Some couples also find it helpful to name small, low-energy ways to stay connected, such as:

Watching a shared show together, even for one episode
Saying thank you for one specific thing each night before bed
Checking in briefly with, “What felt hardest today?” or “What felt supportive?”

Kimberleigh also notices that couples who intentionally celebrate both small and big wins tend to feel more connected. Think of a team celebrating a good practice or a hard-earned win; these moments reinforce shared effort and shared purpose.

Support is part of the picture

There’s a wide range between “everything is fine” and “we’re in crisis.” Many parents fall somewhere in the middle.

If this season feels especially heavy—or if you’re noticing patterns that feel hard to shift on your own—support from a mental health professional can be a meaningful next step. Vermont Birth Network connects families with trusted mental health practitioners who specialize in pregnancy, postpartum, and early parenthood.

Seeking support doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship. It can simply mean you’re honoring how much this season asks of you.

You can explore mental health resources through Vermont Birth Network